No tags yet.
Pain to me used to be what I would feel when I lost a valuable friendship or someone I was "in love" with. I thought my world was falling apart and there was no reason to go on. A heart wrenching, soul consuming pain. But that was not pain or at least not a strong enough dose. I lost my mother/grandmother and my everything May 1st, 2015. My mother raised me from infancy along with my grandfather who is more like a father to me. Through all my mistakes, she stood by my side. She always tried to protect me and give me the necessary knowledge I needed to help me be an exceptional woman. I haven't had an easy life, from not having my biological mother in my life to growing up with a man who's practically a stranger but is my father. My mother was my everything, really. She was mom, dad and grandma all in one. When I say "my parents," I'm referring to those two individuals, abuela and abuelo. I have not always seen eye to eye with them and I have hurt them many times as most of us do growing up. But I have always loved them deeply. I appreciate everything they did for me so that I could be the woman I am today. I experienced my first real dose of pain when I lost her. It is a pain unlike any other. When you lose a friend or partner, the pain can last anywhere from months to years but this pain is for a lifetime. They say that time heals all wounds but this is a wound that I believe will always remain fresh and deep. Most days I try to not think of her or our memories. Not because I want nothing to do with her but because I do not want to sulk every single day in this unbearable pain. My children are my strength, I always think about them when I feel myself drowning in sorrow. In less than 3 months it will be her one year death anniversary but the time has not made my loss any more bearable. You really do not know how long anyone will be in your life. If you are holding anger within or upset at someone - make up. I do not have the ability to make things better or a "do over." I can not pick up the phone and hear her tell me she loves me or even her nagging! I am not able to hug her and tell her I love her. Heaven is hopefully a longs way for me so I have to live my life keeping my memories vivid while holding on to my strength so I do not fall apart. Pick up your parents phone call, hug them and tell them you love them. They might not be here tomorrow and the last thing you want on your chest is regret...
You are missed far more than words can ever explain mom. I love you.